The handshake that saved Daniel from falling into a dangerous cult 

Hello, my name is Daniel (41), and my wife is Avital (39).

After we got married, there was a figure in our community whom I admired. He was a well-known, highly intelligent man. The first time I heard him speak at a community event, I realized pretty quickly: this is the guy.

He was knowledgeable in so many fields—education, economics, mediation, even health. Everyone wanted to be near him, seek his advice, and wait for the moment he’d acknowledge them. I wasn’t drawn to him because of his fame or wealth, but because of his wisdom and understanding across various domains.

He was simply a fascinating person who captivated you when he spoke. His opinions were clear-cut, delivered with warmth and a kind demeanor. I started praying regularly at the synagogue where he davened—it became my place.

The first time he met me, he struck up a friendly conversation with a warmth I hadn’t expected from someone so sought-after. He asked if I was happy in the area and if I needed any help. It warmed my heart; I felt so good in that moment—like I’d already forged a connection with such a prominent figure.

The most uplifting moment came when I entered a simcha hall for a community friend’s event. He was seated at the decorated table of honor. The distance between us was great, but as soon as he spotted me from afar, he waved hello.

I was thrilled and went to shake his hand. He clasped it kindly and said, “How are you? So nice to see you.” In that moment, I started to value myself—maybe there was something special about me I didn’t even realize.

One day, I found myself chatting with him outside the synagogue—I’d been waiting for that chance. The conversation was deeply personal; he was genuinely interested in me and wanted to hear everything on my mind.

I poured out my heart, sharing my life story—my weaknesses, struggles, and family situation.

After an hour-long talk, I couldn’t believe someone had drawn out my innermost feelings. I felt a bit uneasy about opening up so much, but my mind replayed his smiles and warm expressions from that talk and all the ones before. I realized he was so good, and only someone like him deserved my vulnerability. I felt I’d done the right thing—if a figure like that cared about me, I’d gained something valuable.

“What does he need me for in his life if not to help me? He’s so connected and powerful—I’m not the kind of person he’d gain anything from,” I reassured myself.

I started attending the gatherings he held at the synagogue, never missing one. Each time, I felt how fascinating and insightful he was. He’d even toss my name into the air, showing me affection in front of everyone during his gatherings. With the questions I asked and the thoughtful answers I received, my admiration for him grew.

After hearing him, I’d come home in awe, repeating his words to myself and sharing his brilliant insights with Avital.

Three months later, something happened that stuck with me.

We met at another event. He was at the table of honor, surrounded by a few admirers. I approached to shake his hand, but this time something was different. As I neared him with my hand outstretched, I saw him look at me—but then he turned his head and spoke to the person next to him.

I stood there embarrassed with my hand extended, while he continued his conversation as if no one was in front of him. My heart began a silent prayer, hoping he’d notice me, that I wouldn’t be humiliated in front of everyone.

I waited a few more seconds with my hand in the air, watching his conversation partner try to hint at what was happening, but he kept talking and ignored me.

Mortified, I left the table of honor and found a place to sit and calm down.

All that time, I couldn’t figure out what I’d done, what had happened to make him ignore me like that. I racked my brain, wondering what mistake I’d made or what someone might have said about me to cause this.

For a whole week, my mind was consumed by that moment—I couldn’t let it go.

I felt a need to attend his next gathering, to fix myself. I’m writing this now and feel like a child, but that’s what I thought I had to do—to find out if he’d abandoned me, if I had a chance to win him back.

After evening prayers, I saw a crowd around him. I approached where he was speaking his wise and wonderful words, making sure he saw me. He did, but I noticed he deliberately avoided eye contact the whole time he spoke—a total dismissal.

I was devastated.

I realized that the person who’d filled my heart, to whom I’d opened up and who knew so much about me, was no longer my refuge. I tried to figure out what I’d done wrong, what my sin was. I searched my actions and found nothing.

I remember coming home deep in thought. Avital made me the coffee we drink every evening and asked, “Everything okay, Dani? Are you feeling alright?”

I shared with her, telling her what I’d been going through for a week since that humiliating incident in front of everyone. Avital said I was taking it too hard. “He probably didn’t notice,” she said, trying to comfort me.

After morning prayers the next day, a turning point came: as he left the synagogue, he approached me with a wide smile and shook my hand warmly. “So, Reb Daniel, everything alright?” he asked affectionately. “Yes, thank God,” I replied, excited.

A huge weight lifted from my heart.

The light returned to me; I felt the person I’d feared losing acknowledged me again. “But this time, I’ll protect myself and not make mistakes,” I resolved inwardly. For the next two months, everything went smoothly—smiles, pats on the back, exceptional encouragement, and advice I eagerly absorbed.

But then it happened again. Total dismissal—suddenly he didn’t recognize me, didn’t return my greetings when I offered them first.

Once more, I wondered what I’d done wrong this time. What was off about me now? Avital told me I was too wrapped up in it. “Notice how you’re thinking about this all day—it’s getting dangerous for you,” she said with concern. And then again—closeness, then distance, over and over…

I decided to figure out what was wrong with me. Maybe I had an emotional issue? Maybe I was imagining things or hallucinating? After all, everyone else was so connected to him—maybe the problem was me?

I turned to a well-known, certified therapist who specializes in various types of psychology.

The therapist listened without interrupting, just taking in my whole story and feelings. After half an hour, he said something astonishing:

“Based on all the symptoms you’ve described, you’re at the start of a process of being drawn into a cult.”

What? Me? How did you get to that?

No less, no more.

It’s hard for me to believe—he’s so kind and caring.

“This ‘kind’ person you just told me about behaves like a cult leader in the early stages, just wrapped in a more colorful guise to hide his true intent. The method of cult leaders is to make you feel how they want you to, and through manipulative tactics, he gets you to focus on him, blame yourself, and control your mind. He’s recruiting you into a cult through deceit and trickery. He wants your obedience, your time, and your money.”

You know how much his advice helped me?

“It’s possible, and it doesn’t contradict that he’s smart—but it’s part of the trick: you’re genuinely looking for a place to get emotional or practical support, or whatever else, but when you dig deeper, you quickly realize that in reality, you’re the one who’s supposed to give more and more until you’re left with nothing but memories of the experiences you started with. You’re consumed by him, trying to figure out what he thinks of you. Am I right?”

Yes, that’s what’s happening, actually. But you know how many people from our community are closely connected to him?

“All those friends who are connected to him are going through exactly what you are—you just don’t know about them, just as they don’t know about you.”

It’s hard for me to believe!

“I understand your shock, but it’s important you know that cults look wonderful on the outside, but in truth, they’re highly manipulative—exactly like the manipulations that brought you here. Anyway, it’s good you came. Just stay as far away as possible from someone controlling your emotions, or soon you’ll be fully under his sway.”

So, what was the point where you realized this person we’re talking about is some kind of cult leader?

“The method of cult leaders is to pull you in and push you away. It starts with ‘love-bombing’—you connect and trust them—but then they want to control you, so they distance you, like this ‘kind man’ did when he ignored you and made you wonder what you did wrong. All that time, he’s controlling you. Then he pulls you back in, you feel so good, and he keeps controlling you positively. Then distance again, then closeness again. Just like all those friends who are probably going through what you did and are afraid to tell their peers, just like you’re afraid.”

“In summary, I’ll tell you: I don’t know him, I don’t know his intentions, but I can interpret his behavior, and these symptoms point to it. And remember, now that you leave him, he’ll want to regain control over you—don’t be tempted, don’t fall back in.”

I left that session completely stunned but calm. From his continued behavior with others, I quickly realized the therapist’s skilled diagnosis matched this man’s actions.

Since I distanced myself and cleansed my heart of him, he started hunting again with love-bombing—exactly as the psychologist I visited described. I broke free, looked from afar at all those captivated by his charm, and couldn’t stop pitying them. Only I know what they’re going through.

• • •

Have we ever done something in life because we were forced to, because someone made us believe we’re not good, evil, cruel, corrupt, criminal, if we don’t do what they ask—using us in sophisticated mental captivity and tactics while we search and dig and find no fault or sin, captivated by their charm with no way out?

If something like this has happened to any of us—we simply need to run.

A. We have the Torah, Talmud, Rishonim and Acharonim, Shulchan Aruch, and halachic books for every step of our lives. If something isn’t clear, we have the great rabbis and luminaries of our generation and thousands of books on every Jewish topic, clearly outlining the path to follow. There are no manipulations or mental captivity there—our Torah is pure nature, received at Mount Sinai, as it says, “He looked into the Torah and created the world” (Zohar B 161a).

B. All punishments in the Torah aren’t mental captivity—they’re natural consequences God built into creation. “Its violators (the action), shall be put to death (the natural result).” Just like: finger in a live wire (the action), electrocution (the natural physical result).

C. Don’t let anyone in the world exploit your moments of crisis, using the weaknesses and struggles you’ve shared to carry out their schemes. This can happen with all types of people you meet along the way—they might be good and caring, but when your soul is in their hands, chances are you won’t come out normal down the road.

D. Beware of instant friends—true friendships develop over time.

A heart born to serve will never know how to command…

Kikar HaShabbat contributed to this article.