"Until One Cannot Tell": The Four Types of Drunks and Their Symptoms | A Special Purim Profile

In every Purim celebration worldwide, whether with family, at a yeshiva, or in a community gathering, there are always several types of drunks. Some are nice and amusing, some are troublesome and annoying, and there are those whose alcohol-infused minds have made them particularly aggressive.

We set out to research and characterize the four types of drunks. Feel free to check and update in the comments which type you think best represents you... L'Chaim!

1. The Happy Drunk

Quality: This is the finest, ultimate drunk, someone who is fun and entertaining to be around. Happy and brings joy to others.

Symptoms: Laughs at every little thing, sometimes laughs for no reason. Overflows with jokes and words of Torah. Usually won't raise their voice, unless their mother-in-law asks them to sing "Tanya." Often becomes the family clown with the rest of the group gathering around them. Additionally, this type of drunk typically eats above average, tastes every food and dish, and doesn't hesitate to sample from the mishloach manot (gift baskets) - including the cheese muffins from the neighbors across the street.

2. The Sad Drunk / The Crier

Quality: This is also a good drunk, although when the threshold of crying and "High Holiday atmosphere" crosses the line - it becomes an annoying nuisance. It's one of those things that even the world's greatest psychologists couldn't understand: what causes a person who is supposed to be happy on the holiday to start crying and feeling like it's Tisha B'Av (even though they're "not with us" and forget a minute later - but why ruin the atmosphere?? Why??).

Symptoms: It usually starts with sentences like: "I really want to be righteous" / "I want to finish the entire Talmud this year!" and so on, all accompanied by sobs and wails. From there things progress and the fellow turns into at minimum a Neilah cantor at Chevron Yeshiva. Roars of Kaddish from Yom Kippur and various melodies from prayers become the soundtrack of the house.

Removal methods: In many places, people "fall" for such drunks due to a common mistake: they tend to join and help them at first. Like any flood that starts with a gentle stream, the "cantor" with the crying and various chanting starts on low heat, just "only" humming the Kol Nidre melody. At first it's nice and a bit amusing/diverse, but when the stream turns into a flood - the only way is to make room for them in a side room or outside the house - otherwise it will be dangerous.

3. The Clingy Drunk

Quality: Well, this is already a real headache. The clingy one, true to their name - will not rest until they hug you to the point of choking, while muttering words of appreciation and how much they love/admire you.

Symptoms: Drunks of this kind tend to stick to people at a distance of 0 millimeters, or until the one being clung to (that is: the victim) can already smell what type of alcoholic beverage is flowing through the clingy person's mind, including delving into the grape variety/whiskey in question. Usually the clinginess ends with a painful hug, followed by a warm kiss.

In addition, such drunks never shut their mouths for a moment. The alcohol in their minds apparently brings out all the best that has been lying in their dusty minds, leading them to ask tactless questions in a public forum or give comments/ratings to various people in the crowd.

Removal methods: Unfortunately, we are not bearers of good news; the best minds have tried to think of a solution to prevent this trouble every Purim anew - but there is no salvation. This is for the simple reason: they don't remember that they've already talked to/hugged/kissed you, and as such, they'll do it again and again. However, it's recommended not to get close to this type of drunk - unless you are also of this type - and then, on the contrary, keep each other busy.

4. The Aggressive Drunk

Quality: This is the lowest and worst kind of drunk. These have lost not only their sense of time but also their sense of reality. Drunks who, if not watched, might break and smash things. Even if by accident.

Symptoms: It usually starts with fast to aggressive dancing, or alternatively a tendency to dance in the middle of the table - and no court will help. From there on there's already no one to talk to and the fellow becomes particularly aggressive: pulling elderly people from their chairs to dance "If I have found favor" with them, or lifting sweet nephews who in one moment turn terrified from the 'amusement park' they received.

Removal methods: In such cases, it's advisable to reserve one or two men at the location who are able to remove such drunks if necessary. But the wise has their eyes in their head not to let such people in. If one of those present is identified as such - make sure there are no objects/furniture/people around them that could be damaged.