Passover Seder with a child on the spectrum: What you need to know

Passover, and especially the Seder, can be a particularly challenging experience for children on the autistic spectrum. A change in the home atmosphere, a change in familiar foods, an unusual seating arrangement and a large number of guests – all of these can be a source of frustration, emotional overload, and even real crises.

While adults sometimes manage to contain surprises and disappointments, children – especially those diagnosed on the spectrum – find it difficult to do so. For them, every small change can be perceived as very significant, and hence the path to a powerful emotional response is very short.

During the weeks leading up to Pesach, children in kindergarten or school hear about the Exodus from Egypt, the four cups, the chametz that is forbidden to be eaten, and the matzot that will come in its place. But when the Seder arrives, and reality does not exactly match the expectations that have been built, a child on the spectrum may experience severe disappointment and confusion.

"Therapeutics" explains: "The difficulty stems not only from the many changes surrounding the holiday, but also from the tendency of children on the spectrum to focus on details. A seemingly slight change – a dish that is missing, or a guest who sat in a different place – could be interpreted as a real crisis."

This is compounded by the sensory sensitivity that characterizes many of the children on the spectrum. The strong smells of new foods, increased ambient noise, songs, the touch of festive and unfamiliar clothes, and foods with intense flavors such as horseradish and maror – all of these can make it even more difficult for them.

Talia Barzilai, an occupational therapist and therapist in the Child Development Unit of Kiryat Ono Therapeutics - one of the "Tipuli" experts has formulated a series of practical recommendations for parents, which can help create a positive holiday experience:

• Advance preparation: Tell the child about the expected changes and emphasize the familiar and permanent elements that will be preserved.

• A safe environment: Create a "safe zone" in the home, to which the child can retire when needed.

• Coordinating expectations with the family: Share with the hosts and family members that the child may not participate in all stages of the Seder – and this is legitimate.

• Legitimizing emotions: When you identify signs of restlessness, fatigue or emotional outburst – talk to your child and give him tools to cope. For example: "I see that you are feeling overwhelmed, let's think together about what can help you relax."

• Regulated activity: When the child begins to move restlessly or exhibit extreme reactions, offer him an activity that will calm him down – for example, movement, or quiet time.

"The Seder night is an important and exciting family time, but it is also full of stimuli and challenges," notes Tipuli. "When you understand that difficulty in regulating emotions is not 'chutzpah' or 'bad behavior,' but rather a real expression of inner difficulty – you can approach a different situation, with more compassion, advance planning and the ability to contain. In this way, it is possible to make the holiday a positive and meaningful experience, even for children with unique needs."

Kikar Hashabat contributed to this article.